FADE IN:



               INT. DEATH'S FLAT - DEAD TIME

               The walls are littered with posters of rock gods; AC/DC,
               Metalica, Iron Maiden, Led Zeppelin, et al.

               DEATH, drawn and ghostly pale, shrouded in a black cloak,
               adjusts tuning pegs on his scythe.

               A beep.

               Death extracts his personal organiser from the folds of his
               cloak and reads.

                                   DEATH
                         Time to rock.

               Death rips off his cloak to reveal a black-sequin spandex
               jumpsuit.

               He strums his scythe which wails like a guitar.

                                                         FADE TO BLACK.

                                   JOHN (V.O.)
                         I've always been one of those
                         people who took life as it came. 
                         How was I to know God had a sense
                         of humour.

                                                               FADE IN:



               INT. BAR - DAY

               JOHN, handsome, confident, successful, drinks at the bar with
               his FRIENDS.  They laugh and joke.

               SUPER: 6 MONTHS AGO

                                   JOHN (V.O.)
                         This is me.  Happy geezer, aren't
                         I?  Not much wrong in my life by
                         the look of me.
                             (beat)
                         Twenty four hours can make a lot of
                         difference.



               INT. ACCOUNTANTS OFFICE - DAY

               John, with the hangover from hell, sits at his computer.

               SUPER: NEXT DAY AT WORK

                                   JOHN (V.O.)
                         Charles Morton was the company's
                         biggest client.

               John presses the wrong button.

               John = sheer panic!!!!

                                   JOHN (V.O.)
                         I'd just transferred his entire
                         account to somewhere in Africa.



               EXT. AFRICAN JUNGLE - DAY

               A LITTLE AFRICAN sits outside his mud hut and checks his bank
               statement.

               He jumps for joy and dances a tribal dance of extreme
               happiness.



               EXT. ACCOUNTANTS OFFICE - DAY

                                   JOHN (V.O.)
                         Let's just say the boss wasn't too
                         happy.

               The BOSS kicks John out of the front door.

               His belongings follow in a box.  The box hits him in the
               head, its contents spew out over the pavement.

                                   JOHN (V.O.)
                         I knew life had its little ups and
                         downs so I wasn't too worried. 
                         Then the girlfriend said she wanted
                         a word.



               INT. POSH FLAT - DAY

               A scruffy, unshaven John sits on the sofa watching Richard
               and Judy.  His girlfriend, LISA, and her new lover, JASON, a
               six foot tall body builder, confront him.

               SUPER: TWO MONTHS AGO

                                   LISA
                         I've had enough of carrying you,
                         John.  Two people contribute to a
                         relationship and you're just not
                         paying your way.  You'll have to
                         leave.

                                   JOHN
                         But, I thought we had something
                         special?

                                   LISA
                         Special?  I hate to tell you this,
                         John, but there's never been
                         anything special between us.
                             (beat)
                         And your willy is just too tiny.

               She stares lustfully at Jason.

                                   LISA
                         Unlike Jason's.

               Jason grins.



               INT. POSH FLAT - LATER

               John at the door with his bags.

                                   JOHN (V.O.)
                         She tried to let me down gently of
                         course.

               Lisa, in bed with Jason, howls with sexual ecstasy, legs at a
               quarter-past-nine.

               John, on the verge of tears, exits.

                                   JOHN (V.O.)
                         At least I still had my friends.



               INT. BAR - DAY

               John's Friends look at him to buy the next round.

               SUPER: A MONTH AGO

               He counts the change and pieces of lint from his pocket.

                                   JOHN
                             (embarrassed)
                         I don't suppose you could lend a
                         tenner, could you?  I'm a little
                         skint at the moment.

               His friends leave.

               John consciously puts away his change and tries to slip out
               quietly.



               INT. FLAT OF SQUALOR - DAY

               John, in worse shape than the flat, sits on the sofa staring
               at the camera.

                                   JOHN (V.O.)
                         This is how you find me, a shell of
                         my former self.

               Next to him, trying to stick a plastic spoon on his own nose,
               sits the vaguely human, GORMLESS DUNCAN.

                                   JOHN (V.O.)
                         Jobless, broke, single and only one
                         friend in the world.

                                   JOHN
                             (to Gormless Duncan)
                         I've come to a decision.  I'm going
                         to commit suicide.

                                   GORMLESS DUNCAN
                         My mum did that once.

                                   JOHN (V.O.)
                         I'd sunk about as low as I could
                         go.



               INT. DEATH'S FLAT - DEAD TIME

               Death plays air guitar on his SCYTHE and sings his song in
               the manner of the DARKNESS.

                                   DEATH
                         You all have to dance with Death,
                         It's inevitable you do,
                         Sooner or later, my friend,
                         You're gonna be in the pooh.



               INT. FLAT OF SQUALOR - DAY

               John and Gormless Duncan watch TV.

                                   GORMLESS DUNCAN
                         Sleep with Old Mary down the
                         street.  Killed my dad.

                                   JOHN
                         Aids?

                                   GORMLESS DUNCAN
                         No, iron!  Mum said it woz a waste
                         coz it never ironed straight after
                         that.

                                   JOHN (V.O.)
                         I wasn't receiving any
                         encouragement to cling to life.



               INT. DEATH'S FLAT - DEAD TIME

               Death, still grooving.

                                   DEATH
                         Your death is in my diary,
                         You can't run, you can't hide,
                         I'm gonna hunt you down,
                         Bring you home with my scythe.



               INT. BATHROOM - DAY

               John sits in a bath full of water.

                                   JOHN (V.O.)
                         Drowning.  Not everyone's first
                         choice of suicide I agree, but it's
                         a clean way of doing yourself in.

               John takes a deep breath and dunks his head under the water.

               Gormless Duncan enters, a copy of the Beano clutched in his
               hand, pulls his trousers down and sits on the bog.

               John sits up, spits water out.

               Gormless Duncan starts.

                                   GORMLESS DUNCAN
                         Sorry, didn't know it was occupied.

               A loud and wet sounding fart erupts from Gormless Duncan. 
               John catches a whiff and gags.

                                   GORMLESS DUNCAN
                         Curry from last night.

                                   JOHN (V.O.)
                         Killing myself wasn't going to be
                         as easy as I thought.



               INT. DEATH'S FLAT - DEAD TIME

               Third verse.

                                   DEATH
                         Bad dude of the afterlife,
                         Uniform of a black cloak,
                         When I finally come for you,
                         You know you're gonna choke.



               INT. HALLWAY - DAY

               A noose, made from John's old work ties, hangs from the loft
               hatch.  An intrigued Gormless Duncan watches as John adjusts
               it.

                                   JOHN (V.O.)
                         Take hanging for instance.  It's
                         all about weights, ratios and the
                         effects of gravity.

               John stands on a chair and puts his head through the noose. 
               He kicks the chair away and hangs there for a moment.

               A snap.  John and rope fall to the floor.

               Seconds later a roof joist falls through the hatch and hits
               John on the head.

               Gormless Duncan laughs.

                                   JOHN (V.O.)
                         Should have worked out all the
                         variables first.



               INT. DEATH'S FLAT - DEAD TIME

               Fourth verse.

                                   DEATH
                         Remember me after you're gone,
                         Worms sucking at your skull,
                         You'll suddenly realise,
                         Life was really not so dull.



               INT. GARAGE - DAY

               Head bandaged, John sits in his car.

               A hose pipe leads into the driver's window.

                                   JOHN (V.O.)
                         Death by carbon-monoxide.  No pain,
                         just a woozy sensation drifting off
                         into the big sleep.  It couldn't go
                         wrong.

               John turns the key and the engine starts.  It runs for a
               moment, then quits.  John looks at the petrol gauge.  It
               reads empty.

               John bangs his head on the steering wheel in exasperation. 
               It really bloody hurts.

                                   JOHN (V.O.)
                         But then I remembered you need
                         money to fill up with petrol.

               Gormless Duncan's head pops up in the rear window, grinning
               with curiosity.



               INT. DEATH'S FLAT - DEAD TIME

               Fifth verse.

                                   DEATH
                         By my watch it's almost time,
                         The sands are running out,
                         You'll soon be joining me,
                         Of that there's no doubt.



               INT. BATHROOM - DAY

               John searches through the bathroom cabinet.  Gormless Duncan
               stands behind him, watching with interest.

               John grabs an electric razor and receives inspiration.

                                   JOHN (V.O.)
                         Slashing my wrists.  OK, so there
                         would be a little pain, but I'd
                         just have to live with it...
                             (beat)
                         ...or not, as the case maybe.

                                   JOHN
                         Have you got a wet razor?

                                   GORMLESS DUNCAN
                         I'm not allowed sharp objects.



               INT. DEATH'S FLAT - DEAD TIME

               Death, now in full rock glory.

                                   DEATH
                         I'm the Death dude,
                         Yeahhhhh...,
                         I'm the Death dude,
                         Yeahhhhh...,
                         I'm the Death dude.



               INT. BATHROOM - DAY

               John still rifles through the bathroom cabinet.

                                   JOHN (V.O.)
                         It was the pills that were to be my
                         release.

               He comes across a bottle of Tamazapan.

               He takes a few with a glass of water.



               INT. FLAT OF SQUALOR - DAY

               John sits on the sofa next to Gormless Duncan.  Both wear the
               same manic grin.

                                   JOHN (V.O.)
                         They were great.
                             (beat)
                         Somehow life didn't seem so bad
                         after all.

               They watch a children's TV programme, THE HAPPY BUNNIES.

                                   PINK HAPPY BUNNY (O.S.)
                         Ooooh, 'appy Bunnies go fo' walk.

               The Happy Bunnies go for a walk.

                                   JOHN
                         Go fo' walk.



               EXT. STREET - DAY

               John, manic grin, happily out of his face, crosses the road.

               Duncan's Car hits him with out stopping.



               INT. DUNCAN'S CAR - DAY

               Gormless Duncan, tears streaming down his face, white
               knuckled grip on the steering wheel.

                                   GORMLESS DUNCAN
                         Goodbye, my friend.



               EXT. STREET - SAME TIME

               John's Spirit jumps up and looks down, amazed, at his now
               dead body.

               Death stands next to him.

                                   DEATH
                         It's going to take a lot of effort
                         to mop that up.  Quite a few bin
                         bags too.
                             (to John)
                         You ready then?

                                   JOHN (V.O.)
                         Bugger!



               INT. HEAVEN - ETERNITY

               GOD sits on his throne and laughs hysterically at John's
               plight.

               He high-fives an ANGEL next to him.

                                                         FADE TO BLACK:

               FADE IN:



               INT. DEATH'S FLAT - DEAD TIME

               Death, ready in rock stance, crouches next to John.

                                   DEATH
                             (addressing the audience)
                         Come on, baby, rock with me one
                         more time.

               Death and John strut the Funky Death Dance.

                                   DEATH
                             (singing)
                         I'm the Death dude.

                                   JOHN
                         Yeahhhhh...

                                   DEATH
                         I'm the Death dude.

                                                                CUT TO:



               GOD AND ANGEL

               Grooving.

                                   GOD & ANGEL
                         Yeahhhhh...

                                                                CUT TO:



               DEATH AND JOHN

                                   DEATH
                         I'm the Death dude.

                                                                CUT TO:



               LISA AND JASON

               Still in sex position.

                                   LISA & JASON
                         Yeahhhhh...

                                                                CUT TO:



               DEATH AND JOHN

                                   DEATH
                         I'm the Death dude.

                                                                CUT TO:



               FRIENDS

               In bar.

                                   FRIENDS
                         Yeahhhhh...

                                                                CUT TO:



               DEATH AND JOHN

                                   DEATH
                         I'm the Death dude.

                                                                CUT TO:



               ACCOUNTANTS OFFICE

                                   BOSS
                         Yeahhhhh...

                                                                CUT TO:



               DEATH AND JOHN

                                   DEATH
                         I'm the Death dude.

                                                                CUT TO:



               LITTLE AFRICAN

               Suited and booted, covered in bling, sunlight glinting off
               gold teeth.

                                   LITTLE AFRICAN
                         Yeahhhhh...

                                                                CUT TO:



               DEATH AND JOHN

                                   DEATH
                         I'm the Death dude.



               GORMLESS DUNCAN

               Sobbing hysterically.

                                   GORMLESS DUNCAN
                         Yeahhhhh...

                                                                CUT TO:



               DEATH AND JOHN

                                   DEATH
                         I am...
                             (beat)
                         ...the Death dude!

                                                              FADE OUT:

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