Mr Valentine 5.4
Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.
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FADE IN:
EXT. OUTER SPACE - 2:14AM GMT
A COMET hurtling through space.
A random PIECE OF SPACE JUNK on a collision course.
They strike. Part of the Comet splinters off heading
directly towards Earth and the South of England.
INT. BARNABY'S ROOM - MORNING
ANGLE: A DIGITAL RADIO ALARM CLOCK.
It reads 7.29 AM. It changes to 7:30 AM.
BEACH FM's Breakfast Show EXPLODES from the radio.
BARNABY VALENTINE, a gawky, pyjama clad, 23 year old
launches himself from his bed and immediately rearranges
the covers immaculately ironing out every crease.
INT. ENAMEL'S ROOM - MORNING
A scruffy ENAMEL (23) lies fully awake in bed. He finishes
rolling a cigarette, lights it and takes a heavy drag.
He slips out from beneath the crumpled and stained sheets.
NOTE: This cigarette (or ROLLY) will not leave his lips
until the end of the script. The rolly is as much a part
of Enamel as vomiting in the gutter is to binge drinking.
INT. BARNABY'S BATHROOM - MORNING
Barnaby cleans his teeth with well practised strokes.
INT. ENAMEL'S BATHROOM - MORNING
Enamel grabs a toothbrush that has seen better days and
brushes his teeth in world record time. We see them for
the first time; some are stained brown and a couple are
chipped.
INT. GOLDEN SAMURAI FISH AND CHIP SHOP - MORNING
BO YIN, short, mid forties with an Elvis hairdo, sings
along to an Elvis CD, while cleaning the counter tops.
INT. BARNABY'S BATHROOM - MORNING
Barnaby soaks in the bath, occasionally flicking a plastic
duck through the water, washing with the same methodical
approach he applied with his teeth.
INT. ENAMEL'S BATHROOM - MORNING
Mould covers the tatty shower curtain making its original
colour unrecognizable. Enamel stands under the weak, semi
blocked jet of the shower, rolly clamped firmly between his
lips, but still miraculously dry.
EXT. FAMILY HOME - MORNING
BUILDERS are busy constructing an extension. We focus in
on the largest.
Meet PAUL ROBSON (23) a man mountain who despite his size
is mostly muscle. He lays another brick in the wall, his
builder's bum defiantly on display.
A sexy YOUNG WOMAN saunters by the house. Paul is the
first to spot her, blasting out an ear-splitting WOLF
WHISTLE.
The Woman looks up, immediately flushing a deep crimson.
She drops her head and quickens her pace.
Paul grabs his crotch thrusting it towards the retreating
Woman egged on by his fellow workers.
INT. BARNABY'S ROOM - MORNING
Barnaby puts on a freshly ironed shirt fastening the
buttons all the way to the top.
INT. ENAMEL'S ROOM - MORNING
Enamel delves to the bottom of a pile of dirty clothes
extracting a crumpled tee-shirt. He sniffs the armpits
and, satisfied, pulls it on over his head.
INT. ANDREW COOPER'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - MORNING
ANGELA COOPER (23) the most heavenly of creatures,
concentrates on a floor plan of the restaurant, a THICK
folder inscribed with the words "BUSINESS PLAN" rests on
the breakfast counter next to her. She strokes it absent
mindedly.
ANDREW COOPER, Angela's long suffering father watches,
concerned. He pops a couple of pain killers washing them
down with his morning coffee.
INT. BARNABY'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - MORNING
Barnaby carefully packs sandwiches into a Little Mermaid
lunch box. He places an already cooked meal, on a plate,
into the oven and turns it on to a low heat.
A Post-it Note, stuck to the oven door.
ANGLE: ON NOTE. "ENJOY. YOUR LOVING SON".
RACHEL, Barnaby's stick thin 15 year old sister, enters
wearing her school uniform. Barnaby hands her the Little
Mermaid lunch box.
She stares at it with contempt and storms out of the
kitchen.
INT. ENAMEL'S KITCHEN - MORNING
Enamel gulps down a pint of milk straight from the bottle.
Droplets of milk escape the corner of his mouth and roll
down his chin onto his tee-shirt.
INT. HOSPITAL, WARD 10 RECEPTION - MORNING
ROSSLYN VALENTINE, a yummy-mummy nurse in her early
forties, flirts with DR. JIM, a handsome man around the
same age.
EXT. BARNABY'S HOUSE, FRONT GARDEN - MORNING
Rachel exits the front door to be greeted by her friend
Charlotte. Charlotte dawdles constantly looking back at
the front door, being dragged along by an increasingly
impatient Rachel.
Charlotte manages to catch a quick glimpse of Barnaby as he
exits, before Rachel can propel her down the road.
EXT. ENAMEL'S FLAT - MORNING
Enamel and skateboard exit. He slams the front door, jumps
on his skateboard and pushes off down the road.
EXT. BLIMPY'S BURGERS - MORNING
MARY O'GRADY, a sultry brunette and her younger sister,
SUE, eat Egg Muffins as they exit.
Mary is an extrovert and goes after what she wants with
zeal. Sue is the shy type who wears baggy clothes, her
hair tousled, to hide the girl-next-door beauty her lack of
confidence deceives her into believing she doesn't possess.
A poster advertising the ST. VALENTINE'S BALL at the
INTERNATIONAL CENTRE. Mary points out the poster to Sue.
Sue blushes and Mary laughs at her.
EXT. COOPER RESTAURANT - DAY
Barnaby marches down the street in eager anticipation. He
slows as he reaches the restaurant window.
Angela, holing pen and note pad, directs her STAFF as they
rearrange the tables to her liking.
Angela drops her pen and bends down to retrieve it, her
beautifully shaped bottom on display through the window.
Barnaby's eyes are drawn to it magnetically, devouring
those wondrous curves.
WHAM!
Barnaby slams into an OLD MAN and his shopping sending both
clattering to the floor.
The Old Man struggles to get to his feet.
OLD MAN
What hit me?
Barnaby bends down and helps the Old Man up.
BARNABY
I'm really sorry.
Barnaby picks up an economy carton of eggs. The carton
crumbles in his hand and the contents ooze out dripping on
his trousers.
OLD MAN
My breakfast.
BARNABY
I'll replace them.
Barnaby reaches for his wallet. All he has is a TEN POUND
NOTE.
BARNABY (CONT'D)
Do you have any change?
The Old Man stares at Barnaby. Barnaby stares at his
tenner.
OLD MAN
(snatching the money)
That'll do.
Barnaby sullenly replaces his wallet. He finishes
collecting the shopping and holds the bag out for the Old
Man.
The Old Man rubs his back.
OLD MAN (CONT'D)
Ooh.
(wincing in mock pain)
I think I hurt something when I
fell.
Barnaby stands like a fish breathing air. He looks up and
catches Angela staring at him through the restaurant's
window.
BARNABY
I'll carry the bag home for you.
Again, I'm really sorry about
knocking you over.
OLD MAN
Stop apologising, you whine like
a girl.
EXT. COMIC REVOLUTION - DAY
Barnaby races to the shop out of breath from an extensive
run.
INT. COMIC REVOLUTION - CONTINUOUS
Enamel sits behind the counter reading a comic, taking the
occasional sip from a mug of tea. He doesn't look up when
Barnaby enters.
BARNABY
Sorry I'm late.
ENAMEL
Ogling Angela Cooper again?
BARNABY
(snapping)
No! I would have been on time if
I hadn't knocked over some silly
old fart and spilt his shopping
all over the pavement. He made
me carry it home for him.
Enamel looks up to dispense some sage advice.
ENAMEL
You let people push you around
too much, Barn.
Advice given Enamel returns to his comic.
BARNABY
Yeah, well no more.
Barnaby heads towards the shop's back room. Enamel sticks
his tea mug out at arms length with out looking up from his
comic.
Barnaby sighs and takes the mug from Enamel before exiting
to the back. Enamel smiles.
INT. COOPER RESTAURANT - DAY
The Staff move the tables back to their original positions,
but look none too happy about it. Angela storms up to
them, a raging inferno of malice.
ANGELA
What the hell do you think you're
doing?
The Staff look at each other all too terrified to answer.
None of them can make eye contact with Angela.
ANGELA (CONT'D)
Are you all completely stupid?
Why are you moving the tables
again?
One brave soul, DANNY, speaks up.
DANNY
(mumbling)
James told us to.
ANGELA
What?
DANNY
(louder)
James told us to move the tables
back to their original positions.
ANGELA
(menacing)
Did he now?
JAMES (O.S.)
Yes I did!
Angela whips around. James stands against her alone and
undaunted.
ANGELA
Why did you deem it necessary to
countermand my orders?
JAMES
Fire regulations.
ANGELA
What has that got to do with my
new table layout?
JAMES
The fire exits were blocked. I
find people like to have a nice
clear exit when they're running
from a fire.
The Staff are engrossed in the battle, as if they're very
souls depend on it.
ANGELA
So you thought you'd just move
the tables back again with out
even consulting me?
JAMES
I don't need to consult you, your
father employs me as manager.
ANGELA
We'll soon see about that.
Angela storms off.
The Staff look uncertain. James smiles, he's won this
round.
INT. COMIC REVOLUTION - DAY
Barnaby sits behind the counter reading a book, 'HOW TO GET
WOMAN'.
Mary and Sue burst into the shop in a flurry of giggles.
Barnaby throws his book under the counter as they walk
towards him.
Sue doesn't look up from her feet, her face a little
flushed.
MARY
Hi, Barn. Is my comic in yet?
Barnaby reaches under the counter and retrieves a brown
paper bag, handing it to Mary.
BARNABY
Are you off out this weekend?
MARY
Sue and I were thinking of going
to The Boot and Chain Friday
night to listen to The Sun
Monkeys. What about you?
BARNABY
Err, I don't know. I was
thinking of maybe going to see
The Sun Flunkies too.
Enamel enters from the back.
MARY
Well maybe we'll see you there
then. Have you seen the posters
for the Valentine's Ball?
BARNABY
No, when's it on?
(realising)
Oh, yeah.
MARY
Well you had better start
thinking about who you're going
to take. Only fourteen days to
go. See you later.
SUE
(barely a whisper)
Bye.
Sue smiles at Barnaby as she exits. Barnaby only has eyes
for Mary.
Mary waves at Enamel. Barnaby, thinks she was waving at
him so waves back.
BARNABY
Did you hear that?
ENAMEL
Hear what?
BARNABY
About the Valentine's Ball?
ENAMEL
I saw the posters this morning.
Are you going to ask her then?
BARNABY
Of course I'm going to ask
Angela.
ENAMEL
Angela? I meant Sue.
BARNABY
Who's Sue?
ENAMEL
Never mind. Do you really think
it's a good idea to ask Angela?
BARNABY
Yes, why?
ENAMEL
Paul Robson, her boyfriend? Have
you forgotten what he was like at
school?
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL TOILETS, CUBICAL - DAY
A fifteen year old Paul, his school uniform straining to
contain all that muscle, holds an equally fifteen year old
Barnaby's head down the toilet bowl with one hand while
smoking a cigarette casually with the other.
Barnaby is all thrashing limbs and gurgling water.
BACK TO:
INT. COMIC REVOLUTION - DAY
A horrified Barnaby.
BARNABY
I know, I know. I just can't get
her out of my head. Day and
night I think about her.
ENAMEL
That must be heavy on your bed
sheets. Barn mate, I wouldn't
deny I've had a few lustful
thoughts about Angela too, but
that's all you're experiencing.
BARNABY
You're wrong, it's the real
thing.
ENAMEL
(incredulous)
Love? Don't be so stupid.
BARNABY
I'm serious. How long have I
been interested in Angela?
ENAMEL
Since you were five and you've
still not got around to asking
her out.
BARNABY
I've been biding my time, waiting
for the right moment and this is
it. This is the time to declare
my love.
ENAMEL
Seems more like obsession to me.
All you really need is a good
wank.
BARNABY
Why do I ever bother talking to
you?
ENAMEL
When are you going to ask her?
BARNABY
Tonight, after work.
ENAMEL
(sarcastic)
Good luck.
BARNABY
(taking it the wrong
way)
Thanks.
EXT. COOPER RESTAURANT - NIGHT
A very nervous Barnaby, suited and booted, walks timidly up
to the restaurant's entrance, checking his reflection in
the window and straightening his tie.
A deep breath and Barnaby enters.
INT. COOPER RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Angela, a beacon of authority checks customer's bookings
before they are shown to their table. A small queue of
customers has formed in front of her.
Barnaby, trying to look as casual as possible but fidgeting
way too much, joins the queue behind MR. & MRS. HARRIS.
The queue moves quickly and Mr. Harris steps forward.
MR. HARRIS
Table for two in the name of
Harris.
ANGELA
Of course. Your table is ready,
if you would like to follow your
waitress.
Angela prepares to deal with the next person in line, which
happens to be Barnaby. Barnaby discreetly checks his
breath.
However, Mr. Harris still has a question.
MR. HARRIS
Could you tell me is the table by
the window?
ANGELA
No, it's in the centre of the
room.
MR. HARRIS
Oh dear, James always arranges a
table by the window for us.
ANGELA
(scowling)
It's James' night off.
MR. HARRIS
I don't suppose you have a table
by the window do you? It's just
that my wife gets claustrophobic.
ANGELA
The only tables available are in
the centre of the room, take it
or leave it?
MR. HARRIS
(to his wife)
What do you think, dear? Shall
we wait a while?
Mrs. Harris just shrugs.
ANGELA
Oh for God's sake, make your mind
up.
Mr. & Mrs. Harris are taken aback by Angela's abruptness
and just stand there instead of answering. Big Mistake.
ANGELA (CONT'D)
Wait over there until you've
decided.
Angela pushes Mr. & Mrs. Harris out of the way and then
turns to Barnaby. Barnaby realises it's his turn but his
dry mouth won't respond.
ANGELA (CONT'D)
Well?
Barnaby swallows. Just as he is about to pop the question
Paul appears from behind Angela.
PAUL
I'm off. I'll see you later.
Paul kisses Angela on the cheek and she temporarily forgets
Barnaby. Paul glares at Barnaby in recognition, as he
leaves.
Angela turns her attention back to the queue. Barnaby just
stands there, his feet refusing to help him retreat.
ANGELA
Not you as well. We are busy you
know.
BARNABY
Err, a table for one, please!
EXT. COOPER RESTAURANT - NIGHT
The heavens have opened and a drenched Barnaby stands
waiting in a corner shivering.
Angela exits locking the doors behind her.
BARNABY
(mumbling)
Be positive, be positive.
Barnaby walks over to her just as she turns around. The
sight of a wet and shivering Barnaby, now with nerves as
well as cold, makes her jump and scream.
BARNABY (CONT'D)
Sorry, I didn't mean to frighten
you.
ANGELA
What do you want?
BARNABY
I was, err, wondering if you,
only if you're thinking of going
of course, would like to go, if
Paul isn't taking you, instead of
Paul taking you I mean, to the
Valentine's Ball with me?
ANGELA
(uncomprehending)
What?
BARNABY
(mumbling)
Would you like to go to the
Valentine's Ball with me.
ANGELA
The Valentine's Ball? You're
asking me to the Valentine's
Ball? You?
Barnaby smiles hopefully.
Uncontrolled laughter roars from Angela as she turns and
walks away. Barnaby watches her go, his shattered world
lying at his feet.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
The rain has stopped but black clouds of doom still trail
Barnaby, as he wanders down the road.
Two DRUNKEN WOMEN, wearing impossibly short skirts and
tight lunging tops, totter unsteadily arm in arm down the
road towards Barnaby. Barnaby lifts his head and smiles
sheepishly.
As he does a BUS roars past hitting a puddle and throwing
muddy water all over Barnaby. The Drunken Women roar with
laughter as they pass him.
The smile fades slowly from Barnaby's lips, as muddy water
runs down his face and drips from his chin.
EXT. BARNABY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Barnaby, soaked and totally dejected, walks up to his front
door, reaching into his pocket for his keys. They aren't
there.
Barnaby reluctantly rings the door bell. After a few
moments Rachel's bedroom window opens and she leans out.
BARNABY
Can you let me in, I forgot my
keys.
RACHEL
Fuck off!
The window slams shut.
Barnaby can take no more. He lifts his head to the sky and
screams, a desperate scream from the very bottom of his
soul.
BARNABY
(shouting)
Please, just for once in my life
let them like me.
Barnaby's head drops and he trudges towards the back of the
house.
CUT TO:
EXT. EARTH'S OUTER ATMOSPHERE - SAME TIME
The Comet Splinter streaks through the atmosphere to a
glorious blazing death across the night's sky.
One small piece survives and plummets to earth.
CUT TO:
EXT. BARNABY'S HOUSE, SIDE ALLEY - SAME TIME
BOP!
It hits Barnaby on the head knocking him unconscious.
INT. BARNABY'S ROOM - MORNING
The Radio Alarm BLASTS out.
A sluggish Barnaby winces and touches the LARGE RED LUMP on
his forehead. He flops out of bed, slamming his hand down
on the alarm silencing it.
INT. BARNABY'S BATHROOM - MORNING
Barnaby, sat in the bath spiritless, watches as the plastic
duck bobs towards him.
He lifts it out of the water, looking it square in the eye.
BARNABY
What are you smiling about?
The duck lands in the bathroom bin.
EXT. BUS STOP - DAY
An OLD WOMAN waits for the next bus. Barnaby joins her.
After a few moments the Old Woman turns her head and slowly
looks Barnaby up and down.
The bus arrives. The Old Woman lets Barnaby get on before
her and then checks out his bum as she boards the bus.
INT. COMIC REVOLUTION - DAY
Enamel sits in his usual place, comic and mug of tea in
hand. Barnaby stares into space.
ENAMEL
So how did it go, like I need to
ask?
BARNABY
If you must know I got drenched
waiting for Angela to leave work.
ENAMEL
(admiring Barnaby's
lump)
Let me guess, she smacked you
one?
BARNABY
No, she laughed at me.
ENAMEL
You really are pathetic.
BARNABY
Sod off.
ENAMEL
Why do you keep torturing
yourself?
No answer.
ENAMEL (CONT'D)
Are you ignoring me?
No reply or reaction of any kind.
ENAMEL (CONT'D)
Don't be an idiot, talk to me.
Still nothing.
ENAMEL (CONT'D)
Bollocks then! I'm going out
back for a riddle.
Enamel exits out the back.
INT. ANGELA'S CAR / INT. ANDREW'S OFFICE - DAY
Angela is driving her Mini Cooper convertible at breakneck
speed, mobile phone in hand, ignorant of other road users
and pedestrians.
ANGELA
The unbelievable arrogance of the
man, Daddy.
Andrew sits behind his desk pinching the bridge of his
nose. This phone call is going to give him a migraine.
ANDREW
He's only doing his job, dear.
Angela overtakes on a narrow road and nearly hits a car
head on. Horns BLAST their drivers's disapproval of
Angela's driving skills.
ANGELA
You brought me in to input new
ideas but he just won't listen to
any of them.
ANDREW
I'm sure he does.
ANGELA
And he never shows me any
respect. Quite frankly, I'm fed
up with it. Have a word with
him.
A PRIEST attempts to cross the road and Angela nearly sends
him to meet his maker. He steps out of the way just in
time and crosses himself.
ANDREW
He does respect your --
ANGELA
Daddy, talk with him and put him
straight.
Angela hangs up and cuts up an OLD COUPLE, in a dented
Morris Minor, at a roundabout. She presents her middle
finger to them.
They look at Angela, then each other, and return the
gesture.
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Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.