FADE IN:



            EXT. PUB - NIGHT

            The front doors are wide open and the pub does brisk business.

            Two BOUNCERS, as thick as their chests, stand on duty outside.



            INT. PUB - NIGHT

            The pub heaves with young people.

            Women dress in their finest clubbing gear, all made up and
            glittery.

            The men strut around or lean casually on anything at elbow
            height, immaculate with their gelled hair, freshly ironed shirts
            and shiny shoes.

            RICHARD stares at the available women with the eagerness of a
            hungry fox sizing up plump chickens.  Lent casually against the
            wall next to him, SIMON looks at the women with a little more
            subtlety.

            Both are in their early twenties and dressed in their best Ben
            Sherman gear.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      I've never had much luck with women.  It
                      had been nearly a year since I'd been with
                      a woman and I swear Laura only agreed to
                      out of pity.

            A STUNNING WOMAN walks past and Richard's tongue almost hits the
            floor.  She notices and rushes off in disgust.

            Simon leans forward to talk into Richard's ear.

                                SIMON
                      Don't make it so obvious.

            Richard nods and adjusts his stance so he looks towards Simon.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      She dumped me three days later.  Said I was
                      too boring.

            A WOMAN wearing a little red dress a couple of sizes too small
            walks past and flashes a smile at the two.

            Simon returns it with plenty of pearly whites.  Richard ignores
            her.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      Things had started to get me down and I'd
                      been feeling lonely of late, so I decided
                      to do something about it.

            Simon leans towards Richard.

                                SIMON
                      Not that 'less obvious'.  You have to let
                      them know you're interested but not too
                      interested.

            Richard nods again and turns to look at the women.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      That's why I had enlisted the help of my
                      friend Simon.  What he didn't know about
                      women and pulling, hadn't been discovered
                      yet.

            Two WOMEN wander past clutching freshly bought drinks.  Simon
            flashes them a cheeky little smile.

                                SIMON
                      All right ladies.

            The Women giggle and return the smile.

            Richard tries a smile but it looks like he's grimacing.  Luckily
            the Women are already out of view.

            Simon nudges Richard nearly spilling his drink.

                                SIMON (CONT'D)
                      Didn't I tell you this was the place to
                      come.  Wait until we get to the club, even
                      you can't fail to pull there.

            Richard nods, smiling nervously.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      I couldn't wait to be let loose.



            EXT. CLUB - NIGHT

            A long queue stretches out from the entrance as bouncers check
            everybody who enters.

            Richard and Simon stand in the queue.  Simon chats to a group of
            WOMEN.  Richard stands behind his friend, ignored.



            INT. CLUB, BAR - NIGHT

            The familiar loud thump of dance music, with a more than
            generous helping of bass, competes with the noise of alcohol
            fuelled punters.

            A mass of SWEATING BODIES, generated by the closeness and heat,
            swarm around the bar like ants around a piece of over ripened
            fruit.

            The women outnumber the men by a third.

            Simon and Richard, drinking orange juice, stand back from the
            bar watching the women pass.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      Simon wasn't wrong.  How could anybody fail
                      to pull in a place like that.

            Richard has got the hang of smiling now and even receives a few
            responses.

                                RICHARD
                      So when do we start?

            While Simon talks, Richard's eyes never leave the women.

                                SIMON
                      We've got to let the alcohol do its work
                      first.  A drunken or moderately drunken
                      women is easier to chat up.

            Simon indicates his orange juice.

                                SIMON (CONT'D)
                      That's why we're on this stuff.  Got to
                      keep a clear head.

            Richard looks disapprovingly at his drink.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      I could've done with a little Dutch
                      courage, but I didn't argue.

                                SIMON
                      We should go and dance for a while
                      otherwise we could look a little desperate.

            They both head for the dance floor with Simon in the lead.



            INT. CLUB, DANCE FLOOR - NIGHT

            Less clubbers crowd the dance floor than the bar area, but the
            energy being expelled has increased the heat and everyone on the
            dance floor drips with sweat.

            Simon, in the middle of the dance floor, dances like a demon. 
            His every movement fluid and rhythmic, absolutely in time with
            the music.  Hypnotic almost.

            Richard dances like a lame duck.

            Simon manoeuvres himself behind a WOMAN and pushes his swaying
            hips into her back.  The woman responds by pushing her bottom
            back into Simon's groin.

            The two of them become one, the women reproducing Simon's
            movements perfectly.

            Richard sources a suitable target for himself.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      I knew if I was going to learn anything I
                      had to watch Simon closely.

            Richard thrusts his groin, rather unceremoniously and with none
            of the grace of Simon, into a WOMAN's hips.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      After all he was the expert.

            The Woman turns and finds Richard wiggling his hips at her.

                                WOMAN
                      Piss off, you pervert!

            An embarrassed Richard stops wiggling his groin and pauses
            before dancing normally again.

            He edges backwards slowly, away from the dance floor.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      I needed the loo anyway.



            INT. CLUB, BAR - NIGHT

            Richard fights his way back from the bar, only losing a third of
            his pint of beer in the process.

            He stands by the wall gulping at his drink.  In the blink of an
            eye it's half gone.

            Simon walks up, sipping from a bottle of water.  The sweat has
            drenched his shirt.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      Simon caught up with me at the bar, just as
                      I was finishing off a quick drink.

            Richard spots him too late to hide the beer.

                                SIMON
                      How many is that?

                                RICHARD
                      Three.

            Simon shakes his head.

                                SIMON
                      Well leave it at that.  If there's one
                      thing women hate it's a drunk trying to get
                      into their knickers.

            Simon finishes his bottled water and drops it onto the floor.

                                SIMON (CONT'D)
                      So where did you disappear to.

                                RICHARD
                      I thought you'd pulled so I left you to it.

                                SIMON
                      Don't be daft, mate.  I'm here for you
                      tonight not for myself.

            Simon looks at his watch.

                                SIMON (CONT'D)
                      I think it's time we got started.  Let me
                      tell you how easy it is to chat women up. 
                      All it takes is confidence and a little
                      cheek, 'who dares wins' type of thing. 
                      First of all you've got to be able to
                      recognise the ones that want approaching.

                                RICHARD
                      I thought all women want to be approached?

                                SIMON
                      You'll learn.

            Simon looks around and spots a GROUP OF WOMEN chatting to each
            other.

                                SIMON (CONT'D)
                      Take those women for example.  It would be
                      very hard to pull one of them while they're
                      in the protection of their friends.  Better
                      to find a lass on her own or with one
                      friend.  The fewer in number they are the
                      less protection they have from your
                      advances.

            Richard nods enthusiastically absorbing every word with
            interest.

                                SIMON (CONT'D)
                      Always give women their space.  Don't crowd
                      them.  Smile and laugh a little, it puts
                      them at ease.  Never talk about yourself,
                      always ask questions of them and act as if
                      you're interested in everything about them
                      even if you're not.  But don't act too
                      interested though.  Dry humping their leg
                      is only going to result in them running for
                      the door.

                                RICHARD
                      How do I approach them?  You know, what do
                      I say first?

                                SIMON
                      Just walk up and say 'hi'.  Pay them a
                      compliment, but make it sincere otherwise
                      they'll realise you're just trying to get
                      into their knickers.  Make them feel as if
                      you're really interested in them and that
                      they're worth spending time with.  Make
                      them feel special as if it's a privilege
                      for you to come and talk to them.

            Richard nods.

                                RICHARD
                      I think I've got it.  I had better get
                      started.

            Simon puts his hand on Richard's chest to restrain him.

                                SIMON
                      Whoa there, mate.  You have to learn to
                      walk before you can run.  Watch and learn.

            Simon looks around for a suitable target.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      Then she appeared from out of nowhere.

            On cue the CROWD at the bar part and through them walks MELISSA,
            the most stunning woman on the planet.  All the men gawp at her
            and the women look at her with undisguised envy and hatred.

            Richard and Simon clock Melissa at the same time and their jaws
            drop in perfect synchronisation.

                                RICHARD
                      My God.

            Simon recovers slightly.

                                SIMON
                      Now that's what I call a ten.

            Melissa leans against a wall and sips her drink.

            Melissa looks around and spots Simon and Richard staring at her. 
            She flashes a little smile.

            Simon can't believe his luck.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      She was everything I've ever wanted.

                                SIMON
                      Hello, baby.
                          (to Richard)
                      Watch and learn.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      Who was I kidding?  She was out of my
                      league.  At least I had the opportunity to
                      watch the master at work.

            Simon swaggers over to Melissa oozing confidence and charm,
            pushing a GEEK out of the way who had a similar idea.

                                SIMON
                      Hi, I'm Simon.

            Melissa smiles politely.

                                MELISSA
                      Hello, Simon.

            Richard watches intensely as Simon proceeds to chat her up.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      It was like watching the Formula One World
                      Champion tear around the track in World
                      record time.  A sheer privilege.

            Just as Richard finishes his drink Simon comes back.

                                SIMON
                      She's an absolute honey.

            Melissa smiles at them.

            Simon can't take his eyes off her.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      I'd never seen Simon act like that.  It
                      was, well, strange, unnerving even.

                                RICHARD
                      What's her name?

                                SIMON
                      Melissa.  Melissa, Melissa, Melissa.  You
                      won't believe what she does for a living.
                          (not waiting for an answer)
                      She's an underwear model.

                                RICHARD
                      So why are you here?

            Simon attention snaps back to Richard.

                                SIMON
                      I'm getting her a drink.  Do you want one?

                                RICHARD
                      Yeah, same again.

            Richard hands him his empty pint.  Simon doesn't argue.



            INT. CLUB, BAR - NIGHT

            Simon comes back with his drink.

                                SIMON
                      I got her a double.  It shows her you're
                      generous and gets her pissed quicker. 
                      Won't be long before I'm in between those
                      long legs of hers nudging open the gates to
                      paradise.

            Melissa looks over at them and Simon waves the drink at her.

                                SIMON (CONT'D)
                      I'll see you later.

            Simon winks.

                                SIMON (CONT'D)
                      Tomorrow, hopefully.

            Simon walks over and chats to Melissa.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      You had to admire him.

            Richard looks at his pint.  It's full.  Simon managed to get
            back from the bar without spilling a drop.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      In more ways than one.

            Richard gulps at his pint watching Simon in action.

            Melissa shakes her head.

            Simon looks taken aback but keeps smiling and chatting like a
            professional.

            Melissa takes a sip of her drink, her face wrinkling in disgust.

            Richard takes another gulp of his drink.

            Simon walks towards him.

                                RICHARD
                      You're leaving already?  That was quick.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      He was a god.

                                SIMON
                      She said she wasn't interested.

            Simon, his brow knitted in concentration, tries to work this
            out.

                                SIMON (CONT'D)
                      I know she doesn't have a boyfriend and
                      she's definitely giving me the signs.

            A conclusion.

                                SIMON (CONT'D)
                      I'll give her another chance, she's
                      probably just shy.

            He wanders back to Melissa.

            Melissa shakes her head again.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      She was proving to be a little difficult,
                      but I had faith.

            Simon comes back.

                                SIMON
                      She's just playing hard to get.  Yep,
                      that's it.  I've got to come up with a new
                      strategy.

            Melissa watches them.

            Simon slaps Richard on the back.

                                SIMON (CONT'D)
                      Anyway, listen to me, what about you?  It's
                      your turn, mate.  Pick an easy one to start
                      with.  Someone who looks as desperate as
                      you.

            Simon spots the Woman from the pub, the one squeezed in to the
            two sizes too small little red dress.  She's off her face.

                                SIMON (CONT'D)
                      Try her.  She's gagging for it.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      I was just about to go for it...

            Melissa walks towards them.

                                SIMON
                      I knew she couldn't hold out for ever.

            Melissa walks up to Simon and puts a hand seductively on his
            chest.  Simon smiles and moves towards her.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      ...when the strangest thing happened.

            Melissa's fingers tense.  She pushes Simon away, turns to
            Richard and flashes a leg-melting smile.

                                MELISSA
                      Hi, I'm Melissa.

            Richard struggles for the English language.

                                RICHARD
                      I'm, I'm Rich.  I mean my name's Rich, I'm
                      not actually rich.

                                MELISSA
                      Would you like to dance, Rich?

            Rich nods, just about all he's capable of.

            Melissa leads him to the dance floor.  A stunned Simon can only
            watch.

            An OVERWEIGHT PLAIN LOOKING WOMAN, in a tight dress that reveals
            all her bulges, swaggers over to Simon oozing confidence and
            vampish allure, a queen looking over her prized possession.

                                TRACY
                      Hello handsome, I'm Tracy.

            Simon replies without looking.

                                SIMON
                      Huh, hello, Tracy.

            Tracy proceeds to chat Simon up.  He's too stunned to object.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      I guess it was just my lucky night. 
                      Melissa and I have been together now for
                      three years and as for Simon...

            WEDDING BELLS slowly replace the noise of the club.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      ...Tracy got her way.

                                                                  FADE OUT:

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