FADE IN:
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
KANE, immobile on the sofa in full body cast, arms fixed at a
quarter to three, strains to reach the TV remote. Never
gonna happen.
TV ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
And now on the Discovery Channel
our daily look at Eastern
philosophies and religion.
KANE
Oh balls!
Kane renews his struggle, tips over, becomes a human Leaning
Tower of Pisa.
MR. LITTLE enters, wearing his bus driver's uniform,
newspaper and lunch box in hand, and throws his jacket over
Kane.
KANE (CONT'D)
(muffled)
Oi!
Mr. Little looks around for the source of the sound. He
lifts his jacket, discovers Kane.
KANE (CONT'D)
Do you mind?
MR. LITTLE
Lazing around on the sofa again? I
suppose you've been there all day?
KANE
(sarcastic)
No, I went for a run earlier.
MR. LITTLE
Glad to see you getting out and
about.
Mr. Little's jacket comes to rest on the back of the sofa.
Mr. Little comes to rest in his favourite armchair, paper
open. He scratches his groin.
KANE
Aren't you going to sit me up?
MR. LITTLE
I thought you were resting?
KANE
Not by choice.
TV ANNOUNCER
Buddhism is based on meditation.
KANE
Dad, change the channel for me?
MR. LITTLE
Do it yourself, you lazy git.
KANE
I'm incapacitated.
MR. LITTLE
You always have an excuse, don't
you. And who's fault is it you're
incapacitated anyway?
KANE
The bus company's?
Mr. Little shakes his head in disbelief.
MR. LITTLE
No, yours.
KANE
It's not my fault I was run over by
the bus.
MR. LITTLE
(incredulous)
You were driving it at the time.
KANE
The door opened and I fell out.
MR. LITTLE
Easily avoided if you hadn't been
asleep. Do you know how much your
little accident cost me?
KANE
(horrified)
You're going to tell me again,
aren't you?
MR. LITTLE
You cost me a promotion. Foolishly
I had to go and get your lazy arse
a job and you go and blow it when
you decide you'll have forty winks.
KANE
The training was boring, I couldn't
help it.
MR. LITTLE
You'd only been training for ten
minutes. You hadn't even got out
of first gear.
KANE
Adam was talking about
compensation?
MR. LITTLE
That would be nice, how much were
you thinking of giving me?
KANE
Not you, me; for loss of income.
MR. LITTLE
What income?
KANE
What I would have earned if I
hadn't been run over.
MR. LITTLE
As I said, what income?
KANE
I could have been there years.
MR. LITTLE
Thirty seven jobs in eight years,
none of them lasting more than
three months, yep, that's a pretty
solid employment history.
KANE
I just haven't found the right
career yet.
MR. LITTLE
The right career is the one that
pays your rent on time.
KANE
Have they rebuilt the canteen yet?
Mr. Little exhibits his Little Mermaid lunch box, resigned to
his continuous humiliation.
MR. LITTLE
What do you think?
KANE
At least they didn't fire you.
MR. LITTLE
No, no, I was quite lucky there.
They just decided to demote me to
the chicken run. I nearly made it
through the entire day today
without any missiles hitting the
bus.
KANE
How many times did you get hit?
MR. LITTLE
Thirty two. The little buggers
were waiting at the end of the
street for me. That just goes to
prove that today's youth is lazy.
When I started on the buses they
used to chase me down the road.
Twenty years I've worked for that
company, twenty years. Within a
day of you starting I'm back to
square one.
TV PRESENTER (O.S.)
Now let's practice meditation
breathing. Clear your mind and
become aware of your breath as it
enters and leaves your nostrils.
Concentrate on this at the
exclusion of everything else.
KANE
Please, Dad, change the channel?
MR. LITTLE
No chance. It's about time you got
an education.
KANE
I've got a GCSE.
MR. LITTLE
Food Technology doesn't count.
Only girls take food technology.
KANE
But I wanted to be a chef.
MR. LITTLE
And how long did that last?
KANE
(guiltily)
Half a day.
MR. LITTLE
And what was the excuse that time?
KANE
I set fire to my Waldorf Salad.
MR. LITTLE
Do yourself a favour and sit in
front of that programme for a few
hours, you might actually learn
something.
KANE
That's child abuse.
MRS. LITTLE enters, all tattoos, Chav bling and the ever
present fag.
MRS. LITTLE
The washing machine is playing up
again.
MR. LITTLE
I'll have a look at it at the
weekend.
MRS. LITTLE
I'd rather you get someone in to
look at it.
MR. LITTLE
I'm not paying some idiot an
extortionate amount of money just
to tell me a washer needs
replacing.
MRS. LITTLE
Rather than another idiot buggering
it up for free.
KANE
(pleading voice)
Can I have some ice-cream, Mum?
MRS. LITTLE
I'll see what I can dredge up.
MR. LITTLE
You indulge that boy too much.
MRS. LITTLE
I do no such thing.
She notices Kane has toppled over.
MRS. LITTLE (CONT'D)
Would you like to sit up, dear?
KANE
If you could.
Mrs. Little braces one foot against the sofa and pulls Kane
upright.
KANE (CONT'D)
Thanks, Mum.
MRS. LITTLE
Dinner's sausage and mash...
Kane and Mr. Little open their mouths to protest.
MRS. LITTLE (CONT'D)
...whether you like it or not.
Mrs. Little exits. Kane shouts after her.
KANE
Mum, can you change the channel?
No answer. Kane topples over onto his other side.
Mr. Little chuckles to himself.
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Kane, propped up with pillows to stop him toppling over. Mr.
Little works on his paper's crossword. You can almost see
the cogs in his head whirring.
ADAM and Mrs. Little enter. Mrs. Little looks quite worried
and keeps staring at the tool box Adam carries.
KANE
(to Adam)
Change the channel for us, mate.
ADAM
In a couple of minutes you will be
able to change it for yourself.
Adam shows Kane his tools.
ADAM (CONT'D)
Ta-da! I am here to help your
disability, Kane my friend.
MR. LITTLE
What are you up to?
ADAM
Remote control. I build Kane a
system of switches right at his
finger tips so he can control not
only the TV but the heating and the
lights.
MR. LITTLE
If that boy gets any lazier we'll
have to use a blow torch to pry him
off that sofa.
MRS. LITTLE
You had better not make a mess,
I've only just cleaned up in here.
Mr. Little looks around, puzzled.
MR. LITTLE
You did? When?
MRS. LITTLE
Last Wednesday.
ADAM
The panel will also have a buzzer
to call Mrs. Little, for when Kane
has a need.
KANE
What I need right now is someone to
turn this arsing channel over.
ADAM
Patience, my friend. First I need
a base for remote control panel.
Adam spies a small coffee table and tips the magazines off
it. Perfect!
Mrs. Little stares at him with concern and a measure of
doubt.
ADAM (CONT'D)
Do not worry, Mrs. Little, I am a
professional.
MR. LITTLE
Lay-about?
ADAM
Yes, lay-about. I was a lay-about
for a small building company back
in Warsaw, before I came here to
get free money and housing.
KANE
You mean labourer.
ADAM
No, I mean lay-about, that's why I
got a sack.
KANE
No, it's "I got the sack."
ADAM
No there was definitely more than
one sack, my sister got one too.
MRS. LITTLE
Did she not want to come to this
country, Adam?
ADAM
Yes, she did. Unfortunately she is
bed ridden.
MRS. LITTLE
Oh dear, poor girl.
ADAM
Yes indeed, poor girl. She lay on
her back night and day.
MR. LITTLE
What's wrong with her?
ADAM
She is a prostitute. She is hoping
to start up her own mobile
business. She will call it Squeals
on Wheels. Very clever my sister,
she see the future.
MR. LITTLE
I thought all she saw was the
bedroom ceiling.
Adam prepares to fix the TV remote to the table.
MRS. LITTLE
You're not going to make any big
holes are you, only that coffee
table was a wedding present from my
mum?
ADAM
As I said, do not worry. My
teacher at school said I was a
natural at doing it myself.
MRS. LITTLE
Well, if you're sure. Maybe you
wouldn't mind looking at my washing
machine later, it's been playing up
for the last week.
ADAM
No worryings.
Adam hammers a nail straight through the TV remote and into
the table. Mrs. Little and Kane scream.
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Kane, still on the sofa. Adam, his head buried in the task
of building the Panel, now resting in front of Kane,
concentration etched on his face.
Mrs. Little brings Kane a bottle of juice with a straw,
resting it on the Panel. Kane chases the straw around in
circles with his mouth. The straw wins.
Mr. Little scratches his groin.
MRS. LITTLE
Please don't do that when we've got
company.
MR. LITTLE
I can't help it, my balls have been
itching all day.
MRS. LITTLE
Well please scratch them quietly.
You wouldn't have that problem if
you didn't insist on wearing those
tatty Y-fronts. You should have
throw them out years ago and
switched to boxers.
MR. LITTLE
I like to know where my bits are
and these pants have served my boys
faithfully for years.
KANE
Can we stop talking about your
bits, I'm trying to drink here?
Adam tests the TV remote, turns on the horse racing.
KANE (CONT'D)
At last, another channel.
Fleur enters, towel wrapped around her head, hairdryer, brush
and straighteners in hand.
MR. LITTLE
Turn that rubbish off, Adam.
ADAM
I have a bet on this race.
MR. LITTLE
Which horse?
RACING COMMENTATOR
Polish Express has fallen at the
third. It looks like he has a
broken leg. He might have to be
put down.
ADAM
Never mind.
Adam, distracted as Fleur removes the towel and begins to dry
her hair, turns the channel back to Eastern Philosophies and
Religion.
TV ANNOUNCER
And now more meditation breathing.
KANE
Not that channel.
Kane starts pressing the buttons on the TV remote. With each
button pressed Fleur's hairdryer turns on or off.
FLEUR
Adam, you idiot.
ADAM
It just needs a slight adjustment.
He fiddles with the Panel and Fleur's hairdryer returns to
normal.
KANE
(agitated)
The TV, the TV.
MRS. LITTLE
What's that, dear, you want a cup
of tea?
KANE
No, I --
MR. LITTLE
I wouldn't mind one.
FLEUR
And me.
Adam quickly drops Fleur's towel, which until now he has been
secretly sniffing.
ADAM
And me.
MRS. LITTLE
Do I look like a bloody tea lady?
They all look at her. They think she does.
Mrs. Little exits in a huff.
KANE
Will somebody please, change the...
His words are drowned out by the screams of a BABY.
KANE (CONT'D)
(to himself)
Bollocks!
MR. LITTLE
Are you going to see to that,
Fleur?
FLEUR
To what?
Indicating the crying.
MR. LITTLE
Your son, Jamal?
FLEUR
I'm trying to dry my hair.
MR. LITTLE
A baby's for life, not just for
Christmas.
FLEUR
Can't Kane do it.
They both look at Kane who reluctantly absorbs himself in the
TV. Mr. Little stares at his daughter. She stares back at
him - "What?"
FLEUR (CONT'D)
Fine, I'll go.
(to the baby)
Suck me dry why don't you.
Fleur storms upstairs.
Mrs. Little returns with the tea. The Baby stops crying.
ADAM
Now, Mrs. Little, I have set up a
buzzer on the panel so that Kane
can call you if he is needing
anything.
Adam presses the button - a very (LOUD BUZZ)
Fleur bombs down the stairs.
FLEUR
Was that the doorbell?
MR. LITTLE
No, just Kane's slave summoner.
Adam presses it again to demonstrate - (LOUD BUZZ)
It starts the Baby crying.
FLEUR
Oh, for God's sake.
She belts back upstairs.
MRS. LITTLE
It's a little loud, isn't it?
ADAM
Easily sorted.
Mrs. Little exits to the kitchen. Adam adjusts the buzzer.
ADAM (CONT'D)
Do you want to give it a test run,
Kane?
Kane presses - (BUZZ)
Mr. Little scratches his groin.
MR. LITTLE
Do you have to keep pressing that
thing?
Mrs. Little rushes in.
MRS. LITTLE
Yes?
ADAM
Sorry, it was just a test.
MRS. LITTLE
Well tell me when you're about to
test, I'm trying to read Heat.
Mrs. Little exits to the kitchen.
KANE
Actually I could do with a longer
straw.
Kane - (BUZZ) Nothing. (BUZZ) Still nothing. (BUZZ)
(BUZZ) (BUZZ)
KANE (CONT'D)
(shouting)
Mum?
Mrs. Little enters.
MRS. LITTLE
Was that a test?
KANE
I was buzzing.
MRS. LITTLE
So it wasn't a test?
KANE
No, I want a longer straw.
MRS. LITTLE
I had to fight off three women for
that copy of Heat you know. It
would be nice to get a chance to
read it.
Mrs. Little exits.
Adam makes more adjustments.
ADAM
Could you try it again for me?
(BUZZ)
Mrs. Little rushes in.
MRS. LITTLE
What the bloody hell do you want
now?
KANE
It was another test.
MRS. LITTLE
You're definitely testing me.
Mrs. Little fluffs Kane's pillows and returns to the kitchen
for that straw.
Kane closes his eyes and breaths in deeply through his nose.
Adam checks his watch, turns the TV back to the racing. He
sits astride the arm of the armchair, rides it like a
thoroughbred.
Fleur descends the stairs, throws Adam a look of disgust and
pushes him off the chair before going back to drying her
hair.
MR. LITTLE
(to Adam)
Have you finished yet?
ADAM
Almost done.
MR. LITTLE
Let's have a look.
He inspects the Panel and scratches his groin.
Kane starts humming, one constant note. Mr. Little shouts in
his ear.
MR. LITTLE (CONT'D)
What are you doing, you daft berk?
Kane jumps and slams his hand down on the Panel - (BUZZ)
Mrs. Little enters.
MRS. LITTLE
Test?
ADAM/MR. LITTLE
Test!
Mrs. Little storms back to the kitchen.
KANE
(annoyed)
I think I was just about to attain
enlightenment.
MR. LITTLE
The only thing that will be
enlightened around here will be the
sofa after you move your arse off
it.
Mrs. Little returns, pops a long straw in Kane's drink.
KANE
I nearly achieved enlightenment,
Mum.
MRS. LITTLE
That's nice, dear.
Mrs. Little exits.
Adam's horse wins.
ADAM
Yes!
Mr. Little, examining Adam's work, shakes his head and tut's.
He fiddles with the Panel.
Adam struts over to Fleur as she dries her hair.
ADAM (CONT'D)
I am flush. Would you like to
paper the town red with me?
FLEUR
How many times do I have to tell
you before you realise it's never
going to happen?
ADAM
But I win big on the horses.
Fleur suddenly interested.
FLEUR
How much?
ADAM
Twenty five pence.
Fleur disappointed.
FLEUR
Well, you hardly compete with my
date tonight. He owns his own
night club and drives a BMW.
MR. LITTLE
Is he like the last one who was in
the publishing trade? He sold The
Big Issue down at the Bullring. Or
like the fashion designer with his
own line, who ended up being an
alterations man for M&S?
Adam sniggers. Fleur throws her hairbrush at him. Adam
stumbles as he tries to duck, knocks in to Mr. Little, who
knocks the Panel. (BUZZ)
Mrs. Little enters, in no mood to be messed with.
MRS. LITTLE
Now what?
ADAM/MR. LITTLE/KANE/FLEUR
Test.
MRS. LITTLE
Well stop testing, I work fine.
Mrs. Little exits.
Mr. Little scratches his balls.
ADAM
But I am doing kind thing for your
brother to win your heart. I make
him panel for his illness.
FLEUR
If you wanted to show Kane kindness
and impress me, you'd be better off
putting him down.
ADAM
But I am not lifting him.
Fleur mimes shooting.
FLEUR
Like a horse.
Adam seriously considers this.
Fleur crawls on all fours to retrieve her hairbrush. Adam
ogles her arse.
Mr. Little continues to fiddle with the Panel.
MR. LITTLE
Ah-ha, now that's better.
Sparks shoot from the Panel and the lights go out. Darkness
rules.
A bang. Fleur yelps in pain.
FLEUR
Adam, you idiot, what have you done
now?
ADAM
Mr. Little's fault.
MR. LITTLE
It's not my fault, it's your stupid
Polish wiring.
ADAM
No, I think that is English wiring,
I bought it down the market.
FLEUR
I don't care who's fault it is, get
the power back on. I'm going to be
late for my date.
KANE
His luck is about to change for the
better then.
FLEUR
How dare you.
MR. LITTLE
Ow!
FLEUR
Sorry.
ADAM
Ow!
FLEUR
Sorry.
KANE
Ow!
FLEUR
Serves you right.
MRS. LITTLE
The lights have gone out.
ADAM/MR. LITTLE/KANE/FLEUR
We know.
MRS. LITTLE
I did tell you I'm trying to read
Heat?
MR. LITTLE
It's OK, I've got it.
More sparks, a yelp from Mr. Little, but still no light.
MR. LITTLE (CONT'D)
Nope, guess not.
ADAM
I will phone Amir.
MR. LITTLE
What does he know about the
intricacies of the electrical
circuit, he runs a newspaper shop?
FLEUR
Apparently more than you. Get on
the phone, Adam.
Shouting from outside.
MR. LITTLE
What's that noise?
FLEUR
Probably people enjoying your
fireworks display.
MR. LITTLE
If you don't like living here you
can always ask the council to
rehouse you.
FLEUR
Who would look after Jamal when I
go clubbing?
MR. LITTLE
Here's a thought, a crazy one I
know, but how about you looking
after your own son.
FLEUR
Don't be stupid, Dad, they don't
allow babies clubbing. I doubt
he'd even get in with fake ID.
ADAM
I have just telephoned Amir, he is
on his way.
MR. LITTLE
How many Poles does it take to
screw up a light bulb? One!
ADAM
It was not my fault, you were
messing with my work.
MR. LITTLE
Your work was a mess to begin with.
Mrs. Little switches on a torch, shining it in Fleur's face.
She screws her face up against the strong light, her hair a
wild tangled bush.
ADAM
I hope your new boyfriend does not
turn up now, he would run a
kilometre.
FLEUR
Shut it.
Two more torches switch on, lighting up AMIR. Everyone but
Amir jumps.
AMIR
You called?
MR. LITTLE
The electric's out.
AMIR
I was wondering why you were
sitting in the dark. What
happened?
ADAM
I was fixing up a panel to help
Kane before Mr. Little fixed it
good and broken.
MR. LITTLE
Don't blame me for your shoddy
work.
FLEUR
I don't care who stuffed it up, get
my hairdryer working. Now!
MRS. LITTLE
I'm trying to read Heat.
ADAM/MR. LITTLE/FLEUR
We know.
Mrs. Little exits.
MR. LITTLE
(to Adam)
Why did you call Amir, I can fix
this now I've got a torch?
FLEUR
Yes, Dad, but I want to be able to
use my hairdryer sometime tonight.
ADAM
It is better to leave it to Amir,
he knows what he is doing. He has
an electrical engineering degree.
AMIR
(defensive)
No I don't.
ADAM
Yes you do, I have seen the
certificate.
AMIR
(shifty)
What certificate, I don't have an
electrical engineering degree?
ADAM
The one you got through the Open
University.
AMIR
No I didn't.
ADAM
Yes you do.
MR. LITTLE
Never mind all that, I've fixed it.
The Panel sparks again, flames spring up right under Kane's
nose illuminating his calm, serene face.
FLEUR
Congratulations. Somebody break
out the marshmallows.
Mr. Little blows the flames out.
AMIR
I'll have a look. But just so you
know, for the record, and any
future possible interviewing with
regards to terrorism by the police,
I definitely do not have a degree
in electrical engineering. Honest!
Shouting from outside.
MR. LITTLE
What's all that noise?
AMIR
The whole street's without power.
MR. LITTLE
(to Adam)
You blew out the whole street?
ADAM
[
top
| next
]
Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.